Definition: Belonging is the feeling of security and support when there is a sense of acceptance and inclusion for a member of a certain group. It is when an individual can bring their authentic self to work, school or wherever they find themselves. A sense of belonging involves more than simply being acquainted with other people. It is centred on gaining acceptance, attention, and support from members of the group as well as providing the same attention to other members.
When you look at the “one another” scriptures, God wants us to know we belong and encourages us to practise creating this sense of belonging for others. These scriptures include Love one another (John 13:14), Build one another up (Romans 14:19), Accept one another (Romans 15:7), Greet one another (Romans 16:16 ), Serve one another (Galatians 5:13), Bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2), Forgive one another (Ephesians 4:32), Teach one another (Colossians 3:16), Comfort one another (1 Thessalonians 4:18), Encourage one another (Hebrews 3:13), Stimulate one another to love and good deeds (Hebrews 10:24), Confess your sins to one another (James 5:16), Pray for one another (James 5:16), Be hospitable to one another (1 Peter 4:9). This kind of behaviour towards each other grows a sense of belonging.
“Ubuntu means “I am, because you are”. In fact, the word ubuntu is just part of the Zulu phrase “Umuntu ngumuntu ngabantu”, which literally means that a person is a person through other people. Ubuntu has its roots in African philosophy, where the idea of community is one of the building blocks of society. When we believe that others bring value to our lives, we begin to appreciate each other, we begin to realise that there is a necessary looking outside of ourselves that needs to occur. Children need to be trained to look outside themselves so that as they grow, they begin to experience more and more a sense of belonging.
True belonging is built on a strong foundation of trust, connection, and freedom from uncertainty.
The biggest enemy of belonging is fitting in.
Brene Brown says:
“Belonging is being accepted for you. Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else. If I get to be me, I belong. If I have to be like you, I fit in. Belonging is being part of a community. You have a sense of who you are, and you feel comfortable. Fitting in is doing whatever is asked of you to try and be part of something, but it’s not comfortable and it might not be who you really are.”
Fitting in rather than belonging is an epidemic amongst our children however, we must ask ourselves if we are dressing, driving a particular car, living in a particular house, etc. to fit into our society or friendships and family or are our children witnessing us being and enjoying who we really are and what we say we believe.
Perceptions of belonging and peer acceptance have been shown to affect adolescent
development, and teens’ social and academic outcomes. Students who have a sense of belonging at school are more likely to participate in school activities, have friends, perform better academically and have good mental health. (REACHOUT)
Some things that we can do to encourage a sense of belonging and an encouragement:
- Learning that everyone deserves to be loved. What is your reaction or talk around people who are different in some way to yourself?
- Growing empathy. Are you someone who recognises that people are dealing with celebrations or hard times? Do you celebrate with those who are celebrating and hurt with those who are hurting?
- Do you have a clique, or do you have other people visit your home and you visit their home. Do your children have their mates over at your home and do they visit their mates’ homes.
- Dealing well with conflict. Are you modelling good conflict resolution and encouraging your children to do the same, rather than solving their problems for them?
- Listen with respect. Do you listen to understand or to react and give your opinion?
- A willingness to grow in our understanding. Do you have a curiosity for how other people live and experience life?
- Is your ego in check? One way to check this is to question how quickly you are willing to apologise.
- Do you realise that we have a heavenly father who wants to journey with us?
- When last did you do something thoughtful for someone outside your family?
As you read the above list, to which many more points could be added to, I’m sure that these are characteristics we would like to encourage in our children. The truth is our children need to witness our willingness to grow in these characteristics as well. We can’t just preach at them; we must be demonstrated in our own lives. We must help them understand that this is a journey and they we never really “arrive” or have it all together. All we need is a willingness to grow.
Another African saying is “it takes a village to raise a child.” My prayer is that we will commit to being that village for each other and our children, to pray for our school community and teaching our children how to make the hard decisions of growing in their talents rather than just falling in with the group.
Colleen Dutlow
head of secondary
Maranatha Christian School