Among students, many friendship issues begin with a misunderstanding. Someone says something intended as a joke, and it lands badly. Feelings are hurt. Assumptions are made. Relationships become strained.
When I support students through these situations, the first conversation is usually with the person who made the comment: ‘What do you think the other person thought when you did that?’, ‘How do you think that made them feel?’ These questions are intended to encourage young people to see things from another person’s perspective and focus on what they need to do to repair the relationship. However, in relationships where there is mutual trust and an established positive connection, there is another question that we can direct to the person who experienced the hurt: ‘What else could that comment have meant?’
As Christians, we are called to live differently. Jesus teaches us to treat others as we want to be treated (Matthew 7:12). We are commanded to do good, to love, to forgive, and to seek reconciliation. Often, we view this as an individual commitment. But what would happen if we also saw it as a shared community commitment? What if, within our Christian community, we assumed that others are also striving to live by these same principles, imperfectly, but sincerely? I know I would appreciate that kind of grace, because despite my best efforts, there are times when I don’t get it right.
Moreover, navigating misunderstandings and offence is not isolated to students. We all experience moments where intent doesn’t always match the desired outcome. Whether in classrooms, staffrooms, or our homes, when misunderstandings inevitably occur, imagine if, instead of thinking the worst, we assume the best. By consistently adopting this posture, we position ourselves and those around us for a profound shift in how we approach misunderstandings and offence, and in doing so, we have an opportunity to model a distinctly Christian approach to navigating conflict.
Below are some practical ways we can model this:
- Assume positive intent. Pause before reacting. Be slow to speak and slow to become angry (James 1:19). Ask yourself, Is there another explanation? Choosing to believe the best before concluding the worst helps us approach a situation with more grace.
- Be brave enough to have the conversation. Avoiding conflict rarely leads to a resolution. For us to grow and mature, we need to be willing to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15), and for that to happen we need to have courage to address misunderstandings directly.
- Approach misunderstandings with curiosity, not accusation. Colossians 4:6 reminds us to let our conversations be full of grace. Instead of saying, ‘Why would you say that?’ this might look like asking, ‘Can you help me understand what you meant?’ Accusation sets the stage for defensiveness and blocks purposeful conversation. However, curiosity invites open and respectful dialogue.
- Focus on building trust, not winning. Our goal should not be to ‘win’ a conversation. Rather, peace and restoration should be our focus (Romans 12:18). Being a peacemaker doesn’t mean pretending everything is okay or avoiding a hard conversation. It means working toward a stronger relationship where trust and partnership can grow.
Assuming positive intent in others positions us to extend grace to one another when misunderstandings arise, as we pursue a common purpose: to follow Christ and become more like Him. As a Christian community, we can set the tone for how conflict and challenging conversations are handled. This does not mean overlooking mistakes, dismissing hurt, or excusing unkindness. It means beginning from a posture of grace. My deep hope for our community is that grace-filled, courageous conversations that are rooted in love become our go-to response for navigating challenging conversations.
Jessica De Silva
Head of Middle School
Maranatha Christian School
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